Da Meat Hook = Dr. Strangeglove

As I've said in the past, when it comes to Dmeat and glove leather, never the twain shall meet.

So in that vein, even if I may be overreacting just a little, I have to ask the Tigers if they could do me one solid...

Do not ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever let Dmitri Young play the field again.

Da Meat Hook was fielding 1st base with a meat hook. Dmeat was making Little League mistakes out there. As the sage ball coach Marty Mornhinweg would say, "That's hairy high school stuff!"

After that show of hamhands from Dr. Strangeglove, Sean Casey can't play soon enough.

Tags: Detroit, Detroit Tigers, baseball, MLB, Dmitri Young

John Kruk: "The Tigers made a great, great trade." Maybe we should be worried...

Sean Casey is now a member of the Detroit Tigers, and John Kruk likes the trade. The approval from the Worldwide Leader's lunatic fringe notwithstanding, it looks to be a solid move for a mid-level left hand bat. Unfortunately, Casey is not Alfonso Soriano.

I'm disappointed that Jim Bowden wouldn't put down the crack pipe. That has to be the only explination for his skewed trade demands. You have to think that Bowden left some good offers on the table for what would have been a rent-a-player for most any team that traded for Soriano, but the dumbass wouldn't budge in his demand for multiple prime time prospects. The Tigers weren't going to fall for that, and it looks like the rest of MLB felt the same way, as Soriano stayed in DC.

You think Bowden may have outsmarted himself? He asked for the moon, and rather than compromising, Bowden got bubkis. Considering Soriano's ability, the Nats are taking a huge risk if they can't sign him long term before he hits the open market. Odds are Soriano ends up walking, Washington ends up with a pair of 1st round compensatory draft picks for a 40-40 type player, and their fans continue to gnash their teeth.

As for Sean Casey? He's a good fit, being a lefty stick with a very good on base percentage inserted into a lineup overloaded with free swinging, impatient righties. The best description I heard about Casey? He's Mark Grace, but with a little better stick, and a worse glove.

All in all, this is a low risk trade, and considering the Tigers gave the Pirates a non-prospect AA middle reliever, it could pay off nicely. In some ways, this deal reminds me the move that Dave Dombrowski made in 1997 for Darren Daulton. Both are former All-Stars in their 30's, still productive but with stats had been slowly declining for a couple of years, been dinged up injury-wise, and brought in to shore up 1st base. Daulton ended up being a solid addition to a Marlins team that won a title. Daulton has since lost his mind, but that's neither here nor there... I hope we can say the same about Sean Casey. Not about his sanity, but winning a title...

More surprising, or maybe not, considering his 2 month long funk, was Chris Shelton being demoted to Toledo to make roster room for Casey. Hopefully the Mud Hens' hitting coach, Leon Durham, can cure Shelton of his propensity for swinging for the fences at most anything within 3 zip codes of the strike zone. You can't let Shelton try to fix his swing woes in the middle of a pennant race. With Da Meat Hook hitting well and staying off the sauce, along with the addition of Casey, you don't need another one dimensional, unathletic 1B-DH, especially one that is slumping.

This trade does not not guarantee a World Series. But it's a nice, solid tweak to the roster, and I can understand the reasoning behind the move. Even better, the White Sox and Twins didn't do much of anything.

Tags: Detroit, Detroit Tigers, baseball, MLB, trade

The Red Wings have guaranteed themselves the Stanley Cup...

...If it was still 1999.

I've just accepted the fact that the heartthrob of Downriver Puck Bunnies, Chris Osgood, would be the Wings #1 goalie. Then Ken Holland jumps in the Wayback Machine with Sherman and Peabody and signs...Dominik Hasek?

Hasek, he of the groin as touchy as the head of Ernie Sims? Hasek, the goalie that has to feel at least 152% healthy before he can even lace up his skates? Hasek, who was part of the 16 million dollar goalie imbroglio? Hasek, who put up good stats in Ottawa, but never even attempted to make it back for the playoffs? Hasek, who's 40 something years old? That Dominik Hasek? Well, he was the best goalie left on the free agent market, which isn't saying much.

I'm sure Hasek still has skills, but the baggage he brings is closer to a steamer trunk than a carry on...

There is one good thing about the current Red Wing goalie situation. That Psyhco Eddie Belfour isn't in the mix. Small favors, you know?

Tags: Detroit, Detroit Red Wings, Red Wings, hockey, NHL

EVERYBODY PANI...Over that freaky loss? I don't think so...

It's funny when you think about it, if the Tigers had lost a game to the Twins in the way today's went down a couple of months ago, I would have gone ballistic. Hell, we all would. I would have thought it was the other shoe that we were all waiting to see, drop. But now? Honestly, I'm over it already. As I'm sure our Detroit Tigers are as well.

If there ever was a perfect example of a "Homerdome" loss, today's game was it. 1 bad inning full of turf hits, a couple of out of character errors, a balk, and the Twinkies and their fans celebrating like they won the World Series is not a season changing loss. 2 decades of crap baseball have we Tiger fans on the verge of hysteria at times, overreacting in good times and bad. As I said, it's only 1 of a 162 games, and there will be times you'll lose games you shouldn't. Considering the previous 2 games could have gone the Twinkies way with a couple more Baggiedome turf bounces, I'm not going to let my blood pressure rise over the strange turn of events we saw in the 8th inning. Hell, the Tigers have had worse innings this year, remember the 7 run debacle in Pittsburgh? Now that was a bad inning. Sometimes, shit happens...

Come on, admit it. You all are more than happy with taking 2 of 3 from the Twins. This series meant a hell of a lot more to them, and the Twins were treating it as such. Despite juggling their rotation, they still lost a game in the standings to the Tigers, and also fell behind the Yankees and ChiSox in the wild card standings. The Twins now have a ton of work to do, thanks to the Tigers. Actually, it was a very productive weekend for the team with the best record in baseball. Sometimes it's hard to remember that the rest of the AL is looking up at the Tigers, and for very good reason.

Sure, I was greedy and wanted to see a sweep. But the Tigers won another series, and you can't ask for more than that, can you? The Tigers are headed to Tampa for a 4 game series, and playing the sad sack Devil Rays just might be the best medicine to wipe away the aftertaste of today's loss. That, and a trade for Alfonso Soriano...

When it comes to games like today's, we just need to move on. I think noted thespian Samuel L. Jackson says it best...

Tags: Detroit, Detroit Tigers, Minnesota Twins, baseball, MLB

Lions, Tigers, and Floyd, oh my...

Twins vs Tigers: Obviously, the Twins have been gunning for this series, as they juggled their rotation to have both Liriano and Santana pitch. I won't get too uptight unless the Twinkies sweep. Even if the Twinkies take 2 of 3, which is entirely possible with the arms involved, they'll still be 7.5 back. That's still a goodly distance in the rear view mirror.

I think the bigger story for Tiger fans is that the size of a deadline deal may depend on how well the Tigers play this weekend. Tigers win 2 of 3, the Twins would be 9.5 back, and the Sox, even if they sweep the O's, would still be 7.5 games in the hole. As much as some Tiger fans (Such as myself) want a Lee, Soranio, or an Abreu, some sort of impact player, it'll be hard to justify a such a big trade to your locker room with those kinds of leads.

Anyway, this series has me somewhat concerned, to say the least. Take 1 of 3, and I'll be fine with it. 2 of 3, and I'll be ecstatic! As for the ChiSox, I hope to Hell that they continue their slide. Anything that can shut up the motormouth that is Jay Mariotti's best buddy ("For the first time in my life I'm speechless"), it's good for baseball, and the public at large. No need to say "Earmuffs" when kids are within Ozzie's earshot now...

With big interdivisional games and the trade rumors a-blowin' in the wind, it's going to be one of the more interesting weekends for Tiger fans in not so recent memory.

Floyd Landis: So the winner of the Tour de France has tested positive for some sort of blood doping? And Landis denies any wrongdoing? Honestly...I don't really care. I give Landis all the credit in the world, just as I would Lance Armstrong and Greg LeMond, but cycling is a sport I could give 2 shits about. Winning the tour is an amazing athletic achievement, but if it went away, I wouldn't notice one way or the other. The only reason it's on the MSM's radar screen is that one American or another dominates. If it had been Euros consistently winning over the past decade, would we even care about the tour? I didn't think so.

Since doping is seemingly so rampant in cycling, you might as well just let 'em all get drugged up to the gills. It'd still be a test of endurance, it'd even the playing field, and advance the field of science by creating a tour full of doped, drugged, and 'roided up biking mutants. We may establish a race of superhumans...

Jon Kitna: Sgt. Marinelli has designated him as the Lions starter. What's the big deal? I think it's just a ploy, anyway. Maybe Martz thinks he's the better option, but you'd think there would have been an open competition. I say the reason sarge named Kitna QB so soon is to just keep the media off his and Martz's backs, from stirring the pot in regard to the starting QB.

As if we need an excuse to start a QB controversy in this town. We're going to bitch about the QB, no matter who it might be. Trust me, Kitna has a bad exhibition game, the cries for Josh McCown will be heard, deservedly or not, long and loud. Not as loud as "FIRE MILLEN," but loud all the same.

Tags: Detroit, Detroit Lions, Detroit Tigers, cycling, baseball, MLB football, NFL

Inside Millen's brain: My preseason to-do list

A. We need Mike Williams to get down to his left tackle playing weight of 310 pounds, 275 if he's going to play at tight end, 260 if at fullback. Factor his anticipated fines into the front office budget. That $400K Big Mike paid in fines sure came in handy for last season's New Years Eve party. I was able to upgrade the wine list from Champale to Asti Spumanti.

B. Keep Charles Rogers off of the chronic, crank, speed, spray paint, Cristal, oxy, meth, moonshine, horse, whippits, and Benadryl. Find an advisor for him, I've heard good things about Dmitri Young.

F. Find a way to keep Ernie Sims' IQ from dropping 5 points with every hit to the head. Call the Buffalo Bills to ask if I can buy Mark Kelso's Gazoo helmet. Gazoo! Hee!

6. Find out if it's true what Ned Flanders Peter Popoff Jimmy Swaggart Pat Robertson Jon Kitna told me when I signed him, that he can guarantee a playoff spot through the power of prayer. Convert to fundamental Christianity, wear a yarmulke, and learn how to speak in tongues, if needed. Also ask Kitna where I can get one of those baseball caps with the cross on them, they are so COOL! Kitna must be a fan of Christopher Cross too! Saaaaailing, sailing awaaaay...

!1!. Make nice with Saban and call the Dolphins about the availability of Joey Harrington, offer a 2007 1nd round pick. I miss him so...

6. Call the Detroit Tigers and ask about the availability of Marcus Thames, offer a 2007 1rd round pick. I loved that body block Thames put on that Chink 2nd baseman! That's MILLENBALL!

#. Ask Jeff Backus about his agent, the one that got him 16 million guaranteed. I'd like him to represent me in my next contract talks with W.C. and Billy Jr.

69. Hop on the "Scottie Vines for the Pro Bowl" bandwagon.

XL. Resign David Kircus, Bill Schroeder, Germane Crowell, Brian Stablein, and Troy Edwards, because you can NEVER have too many wide recievers. But don't resign Scotty Anderson, cause he still hasn't found his testicles. Same goes for Johnny Morton, cause he's a fag!

Moo. Touch base with Ozzie Guillen, ask if he's available for public relations work after BASEketball seson ends.

MKVII. Talk to that crazy ass mofo Martz about taking over the team when I fire Sgt. Marinelli. Remind Martz of the deal when I hired him, that he's to twist that knife in the seargents back, through the media, after the 3nd loss. That's on the QT, the hush hush, by the way. Shhhhhhh!

O. Learn how to block caller ID. Make a daily crank call to Mooch. Ask him if his refrigerator is running. Hee!

10. Make space on the mantle for the Vince McMahon Trophy, cause we're winning the SUPER BOWL!

Tags: Millen, Detroit, Detroit Lions, NFL

Tiger fans in a nutshell - Tuesday: EVERYBODY PANIC! Wednesday: Things couldn't be better!

Kenny Rogers gets shelled, to put it mildly, on Tuesday, and you'd have thought it was the end of the baseball season as we know it. You heard the cries all over town... "Here comes Kenny Rogers' annual swoon." "We need to trade for (Big name player)!" "Chris Shelton sucks, send him to Toledo!" "OH MY GOD, THE TWINS WON AGAIN!"

Today, Justin Verlander does his Cy Young imitation. Tigers win and now have an 8.5 game lead. All is again well. "Dmitri Young is the bat that we needed!" Justin Verlander for MVP, Rookie of the Year, and Cy Young!" Chris Shelton got a hit, he's back in form!" Hey, the Twins won, but they are still 8.5 games back."

Calm down people! Take a deep breath, get yourself a cold compress, have a stiff drink. And then think about what you're saying.

You can tell it's been a long ass time since we've cared about baseball this late in the season. Many Tiger fans are having a hard time remembering a few important things about a baseball season...

1. The Tigers won't win every game.
2. They sometimes won't play well.
3. Sometimes the other team just plays better that day.
4. The Tigers will win some games that they shouldn't.
5. Conversely, they'll lose some games that they shouldn't.
6. That a win, or a loss for that matter, is only 1 game of 162.
7. 1 loss is not a trend.
8. A player does not suddenly suck, blow, and need to be sent to AAA, because he has 1 bad game.
9. Jim Leyland does not have to ream out the players after every loss.
10. As that wise man Sparky Anderson once said, (paraphrasing) "No matter what, you'll win 60, you'll lose 60, it's what you do with the other 40 that makes all the difference."

Hell, even I sometimes need to remind myself that a loss is...well, just a loss. No more, no less. The sky is not falling.

Keep in mind that odds are Tigers won't play .700 ball for the rest of the season. But neither will the Twins, the White Sox, the Yankees, or the BoSox. The Tigers are in great shape going into August. Christ almighty, they are 35 games over .500!

Then again, ask me again about the Tigers chances after the Twins series this weekend. Will I be a levelheaded and rational if the Tigers don't play well? If they don't make a move at the trading deadline? Your guess is as good as mine. Hey, I'm only human...

Tags: Detroit, Detroit Tigers, baseball, MLB

Tiger fans have to realize that the future is now!

When it comes to Alfonso Soriano, the plot continues to thicken. The Worlwide Leader says the Black Sox are on the verge of picking up the most in demand DC'er since Washingtonienne. The fact that the trade has been "On the verge" for going on 36 hours now brings up some questions.


Why are the White Sox going after a bat? Considering their pitching as of late has been as effective as George Bush's Middle East policy, why the need for another power stick? Is it due to the dearth of available arms? Are they genuinely interested in adding another bat to an already potent lineup? Or, as it's beginning to appear, are the Sox playing the center square to block in order to keep the Tigers from adressing a need?

I've been railing since early June wanting the Tigers to pick up a big ass bat. It's become about the Tigers doing whatever it takes to assure a playoff berth, and having a team capable of making noise in the postseason. I don't want to see the Tigers going into a stretch run depending on a reforming alcoholic-drug abuser-woman beater, slumping Chris Shelton, and a Marcus Thames who suddenly realizes he not supposed to be this good. Soriano, or an Abreu for that matter, may just be the key to the postseason.

Those of you that think the Tigers should stand pat because they are afraid of losing prospects in a trade, prospects who might become good players, need to know a couple of things. Just as there are no guarantees about how good a prospect may ot may not be, there are no guarantees that you'll compete at the same level again next season. Just ask the Cleveland Indians. What's the other thing? THE GODDAMN FUTURE IS NOW!

Of course you don't want to give up the farm to aquire a rent-a-player (Soriano) or one with baggage and a contract to match (Abreu). But you don't want to be so conservative that you piss away a legitimate shot at getting to the World Series this season. Considering they have the 2nd biggest division lead in all of baseball, the Tigers have a more than legitimate shot. It would be a shame to not make every effort fo take advantage of their status. That means exhausting every avenue with a goal of improving the team for an August and September pennant run.

Dave Dombrowski and the Tigers have to do what needs to be done, hopefully by July 31st. Be it aquiring an impact position player, starting pitcher, or bullpen help, you can't live in fear of making a bad trade. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Screw the memory of the John Smoltz trade, it's time to move on! Counter the ChiSox lame attempt at a cock block. Close the door on the Sox and the Twins. Get Soriano, or another player capable of making a major impact. Go for it. Win now!

Tags: Detroit, Tigers, Chicago, White Sox, MLB, Baseball

Why Detroit sports talk radio blows: Reason #105

On WXYT this afternoon, Drew Sharp and Art Regner are discussing baseball despite their complete and utter lack of knowledge of the subject. What would make me say that? Read on...

Art wants another pitcher for the Tigers rotation. Why? Because Sharp says so, and that he has a bad feeling about the Tigers staff. Methinks he has indigestion, instead.

Using his infinite lack of wisdom, Sharp throws out 2 names the Tigers should look into. The Tigers need, in Sharp's dull words, "A number 3 starter they could get for a player to be named later." Whom did Sharp say are the solutions to their non-existent pitching issues?

The Pirates' Kip Wells, he of the 0-5 record with an 8.28 ERA, and the Phillies' Jon Leiber, whom in comparison is an absolute stud with a 3-7 W-L record with a sterling 5.55 ERA. They are number 3 starters? These jokers wouldn't start for the 2003 Tigers! You think there is a reason you could get either of these stiffs for a player to be named later sack of used batting gloves?

It's one thing to say more pitching is needed. Hells bells, EVERYONE wants pitching. But it's another to actually get GOOD pitching at the trade deadline. Wells and Leiber are NOT what the Tigers need.

I swear to the Flying Spaghetti Monster I lost a good 10 IQ points listening to their converstaion.

Babysitting is not for the weak

Babysitting 4 kids for 3 days, aged 13, 9, 9, and 8 respectively, is a test of a man's will. Epsecially a man that doesn't have his own ankle biters. You'll experience mental anguish, exhaustion, anger, excitement, thrills, chills, and spills. Especially spills. I don't know how parents do it... Even more, it cuts into "Uncle Awl's" (As my nephew pronounces my name) wrtiting time, to say the very least.

Now that the shorties are with their breeders, and I no longer have to be an amateur psychologist, referee, and cook, I have some time to gather my rather feeble thoughts. I'll be back with those later today. I'm sure you can't wait...

What did we learn from the Tigers - ChiSox series?

That the picture of Marcus Thames taking out the Palehose's Tad Iguchi may just end up being the iconic image we all remember from this marvelous season.


Matt Millen needs to sign Marcus Thames, ASAP. I haven't seen that good of a body block from a Lion in years. Maybe in decades.

That the talking heads at the Worldwide Leader don't watch the teams they are talking about, unless it's the Yankees, BoSox, or Mets. Steve Phillips did an amazing about face during the 8th inning of the Worldwide Leader's broadcast yesterday. He's no longer in favor of a Joel Zumaya for John Smoltz trade, the same trade he was pimping as a brilliant idea only three weeks ago. If Phillips had spent any time at all watching the Tigers, and the abilities of Zumaya, he would have thought the proposed trade was as ludicrous as all Tiger fans did.

As much as I ragged on our own Rod Allen, I enjoyed the broadcast of Mario Impenba and his "Pardner," the man that's scared of "Motorsickles," much more than the dry as toast Worlwide Leader broadcast crew. It's good that the Tigers are finally getting national exposure. It's bad that we are now inflicted with Steve Phillips and his ilk from the WWLiS. I tease beacuse I love, Mr. Allen.

The shorties hate Ozzie Guillen, and will win in a battle of wits.

Ozzie Guillen was booed by a bunch of 6- and 7-year-old YMCA day camp kids when they walked past the visitors' dugout before the game.

A shocked and puzzled look came across Guillen's face after the chilly reception.

"Enjoy the moment kids, it won't be too long," Guillen fired back sarcastically, as the pregame parade of youngsters continued.

According to the Marlboro Man, Kenny Rogers has a "Scared" muscle.

Kenny Rogers needed some time to regroup in the fifth after he got his glove on a line drive hit at his face. The ball bounced away, and Rogers scrambled after it, only to make an error on the play.

What was hurting him?

"I think his scared muscle," said Leyland, who'll never profess to be Dr. Leyland.

I have to say, if I had a 100 MPH line drive coming directly at my melon, my "Scared" muscle would have been my sphincter...

The actions of AJ Cheaterynski after Craig Monroe's grand slam confirms what we already knew. That Cheaterynski was, is, and always will be, an asshat.

The Tigers still need a bat, preferably lefty (Abreu), or powerful (Soriano). The middle of the Chisox lineup scares the Jebus out of me. The Tigers were able to keep Thome, Konerko, Dye, and Crede in check, but over the long term, that's a punishing lineup. A lineup that even good pitching won't always be able to stop, and you'll have to sometimes out slug. Just another reason that the Tigers need to pick up a bat. A damn good bat.

Todd Jones continues to scare the Jebus out of me as well, but results are results. A 395' fly out counts the same as a K, you don't get extra for style points. Still, I'm not convinced of the long term viability of the Rollercoaster as closer. 102 MPH fastballs that move are much more convincing.

From watching the managerial decisions of both the Cigarette Smoking Man and Jay Mariotti's best pal, this series meant more than they were letting on to the media. From Guillen using Bobby Jenks in a non-save situation to keep Thursday's game close, to Leyland not sitting Pudge, which he normally does on the day game after a night tilt, the actions were those a manager would make in the playoffs rather than in a late July matchup.

That the 10 remaining games between the Tigers and ChiSox will be, as "Caputo" likes to say, epic.

Rod Allen: A running diary

During tonight's game, I thought I'd track the wit and wisdom that spews from the pride of the '84 Tigers, Fox Sports Detroit color man Rod Allen. So what can we expect? Piercing analysis of the blantantly obvious! Deep thoughts! Drama! Laughs! Hyberbole! Controversy! Confusion! Clichés!

I'm conservately guessing we'll also hear appoximately 62 "Marios" and 15 "Pardners."


It's 7:05, time for Mario and Rod...

1st inning

White Sox are not bashful, they come out hackin'!

This IS NOT US Cellular Field!

(Harold Baines) The pride of St Michaels, Maryland! He could hit, HB. They called him "Silent Harold!"

He's (Baines) full today though, I brought him groceries, brought him some soul food today...

He (Jeremy Bonderman) may want to put a wrinkle in one.

We wached Bonderman carve up the first 3 hitters.

2nd inning

Bonderman's pitching like the top of the rotation guy, which he is...

Anytime you're ahead of Ichiro in anything, you're doing a nice job.

He's (Ozzie Guillen) a beauty, he tells it like it is...

(About Marcus Thames tendencies) 50 knocks to left, 12 to center, and you may as well not have a right fielder...

(Looks at arrow on the telestrator) He bunts it there, he's out! HEEHAHAHA!

(Craig Monroe K's) They might need a left handed bat the remainder of this season when you run into good right handed pitching like this. (Mario agrees most heartily, brings up...Dmitri Young.)

3rd inning

(Tiger killer Joe Crede homers) He's a bad boy.

Granderson gets on his horse and surrounds the lazy fly ball.

I'm about as high as I wanna go right now.

I'm afraid of speed, don't like motorsickles.

(Curtis Granderson is HBP in the foot) That hurt. (Said 3 different times)

Mind games in this great game of baseball...

(Pudge pops up on the 1st pitch) Ahhhh!

4th inning

He (The AFLAC duck) yelling at you tonight...

(To Mario) Peoria, "Illi-noise" is where you got your start?

(Jermaine Dye) Has very long arms and a very potent bat.

Somehow, someway they (the Tigers) got to get that offense going, pardner.

He's (Javier Vasquez) paintin' that outside corner...

(Pitch bounces in front of AJ Cheaterynski) Kick save and a beauty.

5th inning

Mr. Crede has probably seen his last fastball.

(Replay of Crede's HR) A fastball that darted right into the happy zone of Mr. Crede. He's got a lot of happy zones.

He (Bonderman) threw Crede everything but the kitchen sink.

You want it bad enough....and you got the numbers, you get a chance to move up every level.

(Juan Uribe homers) They are flexing their muscles in this series.

6th inning

(Placido Polanco legs out an infield hit) Polanco really busting it down the line, he smelled it!

"Puuuge" is a smart hitter...

No ground balls, easier said than done.

(Magglio Ordonez RBI single) That's what you call a seeing eye single.

(Carlos Guillen bloop drops in) It's better to be lucky than good!

That ball in no man's land, no one can catch it.

He's (Vasquez) been changing the eye level of Thames in this at-bat.

(Monroe grand slam!) Broke out that lean going around the bases...Go ahead on baby boy!

He ka-runched it!

(Shot of Nate Robertson's rally gum) He's still chompin' on it, man! HEEHAHAHAHA!

7th inning

He's (Justin Verlander) a good Friday night pitcher! (Mario asks for statistical proof, Rod explains that colleges play on Friday nights?)

(Tiger killer Crede robs Pudge) He's nice, he's really nice down there.

8th inning

(Sox hit a looong out to RF, Mario says it's 15 rows back at US Cellular) HmmHmmm.

Wow, that play happened quickly.

When teams are evenly matched, like these are, there ain't going to be a lot of offense.

9th inning

Fasten your seat belts...

Lot of room out there for Mr. Granderson to roam around.

He's (Paul Konerko) just able to get a piece of that ball and it's almost in Pudge's glove!

1 for 7 would be lovely (On Cheaterynski), that means we wouldn't have to see Mr. Crede. (Damn Tiger killer)

Game over! Tigers 5, ChiSox 2.

It probably wasn't a must win situation...But boy, they got the monkey off their back!

Yes they did, Mr. Allen. Yes, they did.

Lloyd Carr believes in an eye for an eye

Looking in on our favorite Michigan whipping boy, it looks as if Lloyd Carr is on a firing binge. As you all know, when Lloyd was eyeing fresh blood for his coaching staff, he eyeballed his current staff, and made an eye opening decision. He finally opened his eyes and decided to give the ziggy to his coordinators. Now Lloyd has his eyes set on offing disabled Big Ten referees.

Michigan coach reportedly told

But he said his dream ended in the spring of 2005 when a reporter told University of Michigan's head football coach about Filson's one eye. Filson accuses the coach of calling Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delaney who allegedly urged Filson's firing.

Obviously, Lloyd refused to turn a blind eye to the situation. Now the ref has his eye on a cash settlement. His eye is now on the prize.

Filson says his firing is a violation of the federal disability act and is seeking back pay, reinstatement, and compensatory and punitive damages among other fees.

I don't know why the fired ref is up to his eyes in a lawsuit. If he's looking for a a gig, he just needs to open his eye. He should be eyeing a job in the Sun Belt Confrence. In fact, he'd probably be one eye up on the Sun Belt's current referee roster.

Now if I could just work in the wood eye-hairlip joke.

Soriano to the Tigers? Make it happen!

The rumor mill is grinding away. First it was Bobby Abreu in the mill, but another rumor is gaining steam. Alfonso Soriano to the Tigers talk is everywhere. To use one of Pat Caputo's favorite lines, "The guy can rake!"

Even though he's not a LH bat, Soriano would add some much needed punch to the order. Soriano to the Tigers could be the equivalent of the Pistons getting Rasheed Wallace. In other words, the final piece to the puzzle. Even better, it would eliminate the need to have Dmitri Young wear the Olde English D again. Sounds like a plan to me.

You'd think most people would feel the same way, but if you check out the message boards, many Tiger fans don't want to make the deal. Why? Because they are afraid of losing the next John Smoltz. WHAT?

Jessus H. Christ people! It was 19 years ago! Let it go. Just. Let. It. Go.

The odds of the prospects brought up in a possible trade (A combination of Humberto Sanchez, Jair Jurgens, Jordan Tata, Brent Cleven, Nook Logan being most often mentioned) becoming a Hall of Fame caliber player are longer than the trail of beer cans behind Da Meat Hook. What happened with John Smoltz was a fluke. A once in a generation trade that backfired in the long term. But you cannot forget, that in the short term, the Smoltz for Doyle Alexander trade also won the Tigers their last division title. No one in their right mind would have guessed that Smoltz would become an all world hurler. No one, and you're lying if you say otherwise.

Isn't the reason to develop a surplus of prospects is to be able to trade them for prime major league talent? To get the final piece to a championship caliber team? You hear fans talk that Sanchez is the next coming of Justin Verlander. Look up his stats, and you see he's only been effective for the first half of this season. The rest of his minor league career has been inconsistent, to be generous. Sanchez's value will never be higher, and the Tigers have young pitching to burn.

Fans also fall into the trap of overvaluing their own players. You think a Nats fan is thrilled to hear that Sanchez, Tata, and Cleven are being dangled for a stud hitter? More likely they are saying, "Who in the Hell are they? In exchange for Soriano? You're kidding! Fire Millen the GM!" Much in the same way many fans were upset that the Tigers only received Carlos Pena, Franlyn German, and...oh yeah...Jeremy Bonderman, for Wobb Parker's favorite pitcher, Jeff "I'm on my 5th team in 5 years" Weaver.

You'll hear the arguement that the Tigers already have a bat under contract, with Young in the minors. That he's the answer, and he won't cost anything more than the 8 million he's already owed. Unless the question is where to find liquor stores, and the cost being clubhouse harmony, I don't think so.

People forget that it takes something of value to get something of value. Soriano is going to come at a price, and that price is more than Craig Monroe and a bat bag. MLB GM's just don't give away talent. Unless you're Brian Sabean.

Soriano isn't perfect. He's a free swinger who would be joining a team of free swingers. He's a free agent to be, so Soriano could be just a 2+ month rental. He's not exactly a gold glover in the field. But Soriano's a known quanity at the plate, he can play more than one position, you may be able to entice him to stay long term, and he's not Dmitri Young.

Every trade is a risk. But considering the stakes, those being winning a division crown and making postseason noise, the rewards outweigh that risk.

My one and only fantasy football post for the year. I Promise...

Enough of shooting the fish that are the columnists in the barrel that is Detroit. It's too easy, wastes ammo, and scares the fish...

I plan on boring you about fantasy football instead. Hey, I warned you all on Saturday!

I'm not sure how I got roped into a fantasy football keeper cash league last year. I guess a little background is in order.

Back in the days before Al Gore invented the internets, ESPN was still informative, and I was still married, I was in 16 man fantasy football and hoop leagues, for big money. It was so long ago, you had to wait for those quaint things called newspapers to print box scores. God help us if we had to wait till Wednesday for the MNF box. Emotions would run even higher if the papers didn't see fit to run all the west coast box scores. It got to the point that we had one of the league members who worked at Metro Airport scoop up the out of town papers the travellers left, just to make sure we got our hands on the oh-so-precious left coast boxes.

Despite having to use daily newspapers, graph paper, copy machines, and the USPS, then moving on to Windows 3.1, AOL, and dot matrix printers, it was tons of fun. Draft nights were the drunken highlights of the year. It was with a bunch of guys I knew well, many since before high school. We had played sports together growing up, and continued the hijinks after we graduated by playing softball, and beginning the fantasy leagues to keep entertained in the off season.

Unfortunately, as in all good things, they come to an end. The hijinks went on for over a decade, but life began to get in the way of the big fun. Guys started to have real careers, moved away for better opportunities, got married, wives put their feet down, had kids, got divorced, got old, money had to be prioritized differently, you name it. Basically, we grew up, often not by choice. We still try to see each other, but it's no longer on a weekly basis, it's now more on an "Event" basis. Anyway, that was the end of my fairly successful fantasy sports career. Since those wild and woolly 90's, I've dabbled in on line leagues, but just for bragging rights.

Then last summer, I had a opportunity to jump back in the fantasy fray. My sisters boyfriend invited me to join an 8 man fantasy league. OK, sounded cool to me, $125 a man. Not huge money, but enough to make it interesting. I then find out that it's a keeper league, and I'll be taking over an abandoned franchise. Uh oh.

I did OK last season, but missed the playoffs. I did learn a couple of things about this league that makes it damn hard to improve. As I said, it's a keeper league, but there is no limit to the number of players you can carry over on your roster from season to season. In other words, there is not much roster turnover.

As for the roster itself, they allow huge ones. 3 QB's, 10 RB's, 10 WR's, 4 TE's, 3 kickers, 3 team defenses, even 6 KR's. These 2 rules make draft day more than a tad less interesting than they once were. Those drafts being beer swilling, insult flinging, all night long free-for-alls back in the 90's. This was just a bunch of aquantences (Other than my sister's BF) that I see once of twice a year, sitting in a garage on a 90 degree afternoon. They're good guys, and it was still a nice time, but let's just say that it's not even remotely the same.

So for this draft, with the restrictive rules, you end up taking waiver wire wonders and rookies. The roster moves and the draft for the "Fontes" went as follows.

I ended up cutting only 4 players, JJ Arrington, Isaac Bruce, Eric Johnson, and the Oakland defense. I even made a QB trade, as I had a couple of beers in me, and wanted to keep things interesting. As for my picks?

1. Lawrence Maroney, rb, NE - My backs are on the sucky side of 30, and he was the best RB left when picking 5th in the 1st round.
2. Chad Jackson, wr, NE - Highest ranked rookie skill guy left on the board, nothing more.
3. Brian Calhoun, rb, DET - Sleeper pick, took a flyer on the Mike Martz offense.
4. Charlie Frye, qb, CLE - Hell if I know why I picked Frye, I didn't need a QB, I didn't want a QB. The beer must have been kicking in, or I had heatsroke. Either way, I ended up cutting him lose.
5. Troy Brown, wr, NE - Desperation mode now, so why the Hell not?
6. Pass - Opened another Molson and fired up a stogie.

That's when I stopped drafting. I was getting into a "Why bother" mode. When it gets to the point that I'm drafting a 45 year old 3rd string wide out, it's time to stop and smell the stogie. I'll be better off closely watching the waiver wire the first couple weeks of the season, and looking for the next Willie Parker.

So, without further adieu, here is my roster...

QB - Tom Brady, Chris Simms, Trent Green. Green is whom I received for Matt Hasslebeck, aka the boredom trade I described earlier. I'll just ride Brady till his arm falls off. I almost parlayed Green into Kevin Jones. But the guy I was trading with, whose team did have QB issues, after agreeing to the trade, got buyers remorse, and reneged. Chickenshit thing to do, but I didn't want to raise a stink.

RB - Tiki Barber, Corey Dillion, Lawrence Maroney, Brian Westbrook, Curtis Martin, Cedrick Benson, Brian Calhoun, Brad Hoover. Barber carried me last year. Thing is, can he do it again? Other than him, my backs are either old, unproven, injury prone, suck, or a combination thereof. Nice mix, eh?

WR - Anquan Boldin, Drew Bennett, Michael Clayton, Keenan McCardell, Deion Branch, Jerry Porter, Chad Jackson, Troy Brown, Mark Clayton (BAL). My own biased opinion? Other than Boldin, they are overrated, old, injured, or suck. I can only hope that Ma. Clayton and Jackson develop, Bennett and Mi. Clayton manage to stay remotely healthy, and McCardell staves off watching Matlock reruns for one more season.

TE - Jeremy Shockey, Marcus Pollard, Jermaine Wiggins. It's Shockey or bust. Giving credit where credit is due, I managed to steal Shockey by trading Dallas Clark for him last year. Call me Matt Millen, I'm so smart...

K - The Idiot Kicker, Mike Nugent. In my mind, a kicker is a kicker, is a kicker, good team or bad. They are dime a dozen. Does it really make much, if any, difference who kicks? Idiot kicker or a Bucknut, 6 of one, half dozen of the other.

Team D - Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Tennesee. Same as Brady and Shockey, it's Pittsburgh or bust.

From looking the roster over, I might have a playoff team. If a couple of guys come through, and no one vital goes on the IR, I have a shot. Odds are though, I threw away $125.

I really miss the old days...

"Delusional" defined: Wobb Parker thinks he is smarter than Jim Leyland

Wobb Parker can't seem to make up his mind, which is a problem for a so-called "Sooper Dooper Geenus" "Columnist." First off, he rags on the Cigarette Smoking Man for resting starters on Sunday.

But on Sunday, Leyland, with good intentions, simply goofed. And it not only probably cost his team a victory, but another important game in the American League Central standings.

With Pudge Rodriguez, Placido Polanco and Magglio Ordonez -- three of the Tigers' best everyday players -- on the bench being rested, the Tigers lost 9-6 to the lowly Kansas City Royals at Comerica Park.

First off, about resting players. Leyland says that Maggs and Polonco were hurting, and he rarely, if ever, plays Pudge in day games following a night tilt. You also have your biggest rival for a playoff spot coming in to play 3 of the most important baseball games this town has seen in nearly 2 decades. Following that, the first place team in the AL west is in town. Factor in as well the fact that there is a day off today, which gives players an extra day of rest. Don't forget that the weather is hotter than a naked Jessica Alba.

I'd prefer that Leyland err on the side of caution, rather than ride the veteran players like one would a naked Jessica Alba, and wait for them to go on the DL. If you are going to sit players, when in the Hell else are you going to do so, if not against the awful Royals?

So what if Parker thinks Leyland screwed up by not playing his best lineup? Because, in another article, he goes off in the polar opposite direction.

In the delusional one's weekly give and take with Tom Gage (I hope Gage gets "Combatting stupidity" pay for putting up with Parkers insanity.) Parker feels that the Tigers should bring Dmitiri Young back from rehab, and let him solve his swing woes in the big leagues.

Gage. Dmitri Young has to hit his way back onto the Tigers because manager Jim Leyland said, "This is a place for production." Do you think he will?

Parker. Yes, Dmitri has always been able to hit. I don't think you lose that. It's just a matter of whether they'll give him enough time to get his swing back.

G. How much time is enough time?

P. A couple of weeks.

G. A couple of more weeks?

P. A couple of weeks in the big leagues.

G. I thought he might even be back from his rehab assignment this week. Now I seriously doubt it.

Wait a sec. Didn't Parker just ream the Marlboro Man for NOT playing his best lineup against the Royals? Yet he thinks that the Tigers should insert Dmitri Young, a clubhouse cancer, who was last hitting .169 with no power when he went off on a bender, back in the lineup? Dmitri Young, who has shown no signs of life during his rehab stint in the minors?

Parker, lucidity long gone, thinks that it would be best to let let a .169 hitting player with no defined position, who would take playing time away from Craig Monroe, and even worse, Marcus Thames, figure out how to hit again DURING A PENNANT RACE? That's putting your best lineup the field? Come on.

That's not just stupid, it's pure unadaultered insanity. Spewing that nonsense makes Pat Caputo look like Norman Einstein, and the Little Fella appear to care about sports. It's so insane that even Matt Millen wouldn't think it's a good idea...

Parker has become, much like Millen, functionally retarded.

Touring the internets...

Beefshower gives the Tigers his midseason grades. It's a fine post, but even more interesting, we find out more about his very shady past. Committing felonies against innocent mailboxes, becoming infected with the measles, extreme video game addictions, his alias of Viceroy Fizzlebottom, and in general, being a disreputeable layabout slacker. Sounds like my kind of guy! (Save for the measles...)

Alexis Gomez: Thames personal pinch runner/defensive replacement has been decent doing the things he does, whatever those are. I was in attendance at the game where he hit his first and quite possibly only career homerun. However I was in the bathroom at the time so I missed it, which is like the equivalent of taking a crap as Halley's comet goes by. Grade C+.

Alexis Gomez home run = Halley's Comet. Only on teh intarwebs... Beef, you need to tell your dad to cut back on your office busy work so you can post a little more often.

Over where men sweat endeavorously, Ian goes off on Matt Millen for giving the utterly average Jeff Backus lifetime security...

Backus signed a six-year deal to stay in Detroit yesterday. So either he thought staying here was worth it, or he and his agent figured out he wouldn't get $15.5 million in guaranteed money from any other team besides the Lions.

Clearly, Matt Millen just can't get over his first - draft pick, that is.

Ian, you should know by now when it comes to Millen and his draft picks, you need realize that Millen takes the advice of Neil Sedaka to heart. Breaking up is hard to do...

At the site that stalks the immortal Johnny Grubb, Eno says the Tigers need to play .500 ball over the first 20 games after the All-Star break to prove that they aren't going anywhere.

If the Tigers can manage even a 10-10 record after this break, putting them at 69-39, I think they'll be fine. Two-thirds of the season will have been played, and they'll have reminded teams that they're not about to fold.

Strangely, James Barrie appeared to take over for a paragraph...

The Tigers frolicked in daffodils and clover for 88 games, sprinkled with some sort of pixie dust that occasionally energizes a dormant team.

All that's missing is Peter Pan asking us to clap our hands if we believe in the Tigers...

IwoCPO is back from being Ned Beatty to the Delieverance boys, and is posting again at A2Y. While touring stills in the hollar, he heard the shocking news...

Five days without any Wing news whatsoever, short of a panicked email on Wednesday to Paul at Kukla’s begging for hockey news (sent from my brother’s blackberry…what an evil device). Paul informed me that Shanahan had, indeed, signed with New York; that Belfour was by no means guaranteed to end up in Detroit, and that Holland was quoted as saying he “hopes the Wings are a playoff team.”

I threw up in my mouth a little, headed back to the cabin and continued my hockey-less vacation.

I think IwoCPO is pissed.

Two Detroit hockey icons: gone.

Your starting goalie, 39 wins: gone

And nothing, nobody, to replace them.

The Summer of Ken now officially sucks.

Y'all, he's definitely pissed...

Brian does us all a solid at The Sports Frog, by saving us the trouble of reading the latest Worldwide Leader dot com puff piece on Notre Dame, and summarizing it thusly.

OMG! CHARLIE WEIS IS AWESOME! NOTRE DAME IS AWESOME! THEY ALMOST BEAT A GOOD TEAM LAST YEAR! THEY'RE GOING TO WIN IT ALL THIS YEAR!

Brian, that sounds more like the NBC pre game to me...

Kevin is still struggling with the fact that Ben Wallace has left for the second city...

Dear Chicago,

You’ll be regretting this in two years.

Love,
Kevin

Don't worry big guy, the Pistons now have Nazr Mohammed. Ugh. I think I just threw up in my mouth...

While prepping for fantasy football, the LSG has found the the sleeper QB of your draft...Jon Kitna.

I am sure most Lions fans would love 25 touchdowns as long as the INTs are under 10 or so. Kitna could be a good fit with the Martz system, but part of me wants to see what Josh McCown could do as well. Either way I think the Lions are better off without Joey and I look for Roy Williams and Kevin Jones to have better seasons because of consistent quarterback play.

Sportspig, if you take Kitna, you're a braver man than I. That's coming from someone who has a draft in my keeper money league tomorrow. Yes, a mid July fanstasy draft. No, it's not my idea. Yes, expect a post about it.

At Roar of the Tigers, Samara is celebrating the fact that for the first time in years, the Tigers have players deserving of All-Star acolades.

THE POINT is that there were three Tigers in the All Star Game and, get this, they were all deserving. And holy crumbnutters on a crumbcake, both Bonderman and especially Verlander were thrown out as deserving names by all the wise old number-crunching blog-types. Some people were even saying our very own big-headed Plonkers should be manning second base! That’s 6 more or less deserving Tigers, at the least.

Holy crumbnutters on a crumbcake? All that's missing at the end of the sentence is...Batman! I have to ask, when did the Boy Wonder start posting on a Detroit-centric sports blog? And what in the Hell is a crumbnutter?

If you are looking for an entertaining message board to kill some time, I suggest you visit "The Hangout." If you do stop by and say hey, I have one piece of advice. Don't diss the true geekiness that is the Superman thread. I should know...

The Little Fella uses Ben Wallace to lecture us all on the topic of loyalty. The newspaper union says, "Huh?"

Mitch Albom, seems to think of himself as the (self appointed) conscience of Detroit sports, even though he rarely deigns to cover them. His latest misguided diatribe is pointed directly at Ben Wallace.

Brian, of The Sports Frog, a kindred spirit in his feelings about the so-called columnists in Detroit, chided the Little Fella, telling TWFE, "Apparently, the Little Guy is now jaded for life." Hammer, meet nail...

I had also read the latest Little Fella missive yesterday, and wanted to comment on it, but it's taken me a good 24 hours to digst the tripe he spewed. And mavelous tripe it is...

But I don't have to listen. And I won't. In fact, I probably won't listen to any athlete the same way again.

Oh, sure, after all these years in the business, I should be steeled against players who sing the team fight song right up to their free agency -- then suddenly start singing, "Money, Honey." But I really thought Wallace was different. I really thought, given the kind of player he is, when he spoke about this city, how it shaped him, celebrated him, that he meant what he said.

Less than two months ago, I asked Ben point-blank if he wanted to sign back with Detroit.

"Of course, of course," he told me.

But last week, he told ESPN, "Sometimes you just need to make a change, and I felt it was time."

There's words. And there's actions.

Oh good Lord. Can he become anymore self-rightous? The Little Fella thought Wallace was different? Saying "Of course" isn't exactly the ringing endorsement Albom makes it out to be.

It's not as if the Little Fella fell off the turnip truck yesterday. He's been a columninst for longer than most of us care to remember. What in the Hell did he expect Wallace to say? If the pious Little Fella spent more time with the athletes he supposedly covers, rather than writing sickly sweet novellas for the more sensitive amongst us, he might have realized that Wallace had been talking out of both sides of his mouth for some time. As soon as Big Ben hired Arn Tellem as his agent, it was appearent that Wallace was chasing the Brinks truck, and that truck might not stop in Detroit.

Mitch, as you say, there's words, and then there's actions. That would apply in a newspaper strike too, you think?

Then the Little Fella plays the loyalty card... HA!

And in so doing, he is no different than most pro athletes. It's just that we thought he was. Ben Wallace made himself a player. But Detroit made him a star. The Pistons took him from a no-name Orlando Magic castoff and turned him into an icon, a hard hat hero. The Pistons celebrated his muscle, his hair, they put him on billboards and sold him as their "Goin' to Work" centerpiece.

In the end, it wasn't about going to work. It was about getting paid. And again, the only thing bothersome is that Wallace gave signals that it wasn't. He told me that being the highest-paid guy wasn't the only thing that mattered. Yet when the Pistons offered him around $12 million a year for four years -- the fattest salary ever offered a Detroit basketball player -- he asked for more. WAY more.

According to a person in the negotiations, Wallace sought $20 million a season. If so, Ben was right when he said he didn't have to be the highest-paid Piston. He wanted to lead the league!

I think he forgets a few things. First, let me fix that first line for you Mitch.

"And in so doing, he is no different than most pro athletes any of us."

Of course it's about getting paid. Wallace just set up his grandkids for life. As for "Signals?" Was there a bigger one than the hiring of a big time agent?

The Pistons made him a star? I think Wallace himself had a little to do with that. Sure, the Pistons helped to make him a star, and I'm sure Wallace was grateful for the opportunity he was given, but to bring up loyalty? Loyalty is a 2 way street, and that street is nonexistent in pro sports.

The Pistons are a business, first and foremost. Just ask Bill Davidson about paying a luxury tax, if you don't believe it. You think the Pistons would have dropped Wallace like a hot potato if he hadn't performed or had gotten hurt? Just ask our favorite whipping boy, Darko. It was a business partnership that worked out on both sides for 6 years. Even though we fans weren't happy about how it ended and what the Pistons now look like, it looks to me that both sides thought that that partnership had run it's course. It took the Pistons less than 24 hours to replace Ben Wallace.

As for the pie in the sky number used to start negotiations? That's why it's called "Negotiations." The Little Fella can't be serious. No team in their right mind was going to give Wallace 20 million. But it doesn't stop you from asking for the moon at the beginning. It did net Wallace 15 million a year, so they did sometihng right.

I'm sorry, but I'm not leaving 12 million dollars on the table out of a misguided sense of loyalty to what is basically a business entity. Trust me, if the Pistons had gotten the right offer, anyone, including Wallace, would have been traded in a heartbeat. So don't give me the loyalty arguement. At that level, it's all bullshit.

I think the last person to be lecturing another on loyalty is someone who crossed his own union's picket line. You know, pot, kettle, that sort of thing...

The pot contines to talk about the kettle...

Instead, he jumps to a team that hasn't won a playoff series in eight years. Yes, $60 million for four years is a lot of money. So is $48 million. You don't starve either way.

But you do give up something by choosing the former. You give up the right to be believed when you talk about team, city or fans. You should only talk about money.

Yeah, and "The 5 People You Meet in Heaven at the Bank," and the blatant fiction that was "Fab Five" weren't about the money, either.

So Wallace talks today, and he'll promise his devotion and work ethic to the Bulls and Chicago. Just words. All words. In the end, I shouldn't be disappointed that Ben went for the green. I should be disappointed that I ever thought he wouldn't.

No, you should be disappointed in yourself for jumping to conclusions. For not looking deeper into the situation. Deeper than you dug into the Michigan basketball program, anyway. We're talking about pro sports, where you can never take anything at face value. That's something you'd think a former "Sportswriter of the Year" would have realized from the start.

You want to know TRUE disappointment? Reading the Little Fella's columns...

Inside the minds of the Detroit Tigers pitching staff...Midseason edition

Nate Robertson: God damn, God damn, God damn, my jaw is killing me. I'm such a bonehead, it just HAD to be gum! Next time I'm killing time on FSN for the joy-boys in the booth, I'll make it "Rally Beer" or "Rally Ass Patting." I may be joining Maroth on the DL if this keeps up.

Jamie Walker: "Rally Beer" works for me, dude. So does "Rally Ass Patting" for that matter. Time to pound a Bud or 10.

Mike Maroth: Hey! HEY! HELLLLOOO! Remember me? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone? It's me! The guy who was pitching lights out? I am coming back, you know. HELLO? Maaaannn.

Todd Jones: "Rally Ass Patting?" Damn joy-boys rubbing their joys in my face. I should ask for a trade to the White Sox. Ozzie would appreciate my views on alternative lifestyles.

Román Colón: It's not Roman, as in empire. Not Ramen. Not Roland. Not Raymon. Not Rulen. It's Román! Damn Yanqui's...

Kenny Rogers: If I hear "The Roaster" or "The Gambler" one more time, just one more time, cameraman heads are gonna roll. Same goes for "Cameraman" jokes!

Joel Zumaya: Remember when the shit hit the fan over the "John Smoltz for me" trade rumors? Wanna know where it originated? I told Kruk about it, just to fuck with him. Who knew he was gonna take me seriously? Dammed one nutted wonder.

Jason Grilli: Who? I still don't know who in the Hell I am.

Zach Miner: Wow, I had no idea that the voodoo that I do works so well. A little bit of Jobu, a chicken sacrifice, a push pin in the elbow, and viola! Starting rotation for me!

Wilfredo Ledezma: I need to talk to Miner about a doll.

Jeremy Bonderman: Do you want a sucky ass pitcher with a personality, like...say...Todd Jones? Or just a boring ass guy who pitches well? Thought so...

Justin Verlander: Liriano? Dead! Papelbon? Dead! It wasn't over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, and the Rookie of the Year race isn't over either!

Fernando Rodney: I DO NOT have Todd Jones disease! I don't suck goat balls, the walks are due to a mechanical flaw! It's just a flaw!

It's a "Sports Dead Zone Wednesday" at TWFE!

Today is the worst sports day of the year, by far. We're in a dead zone. When your only viewing options for sports are the All-Star games for Triple A and the WNBA, you might just as well shut off the damn TV. If you seriously think that I'm going to watch crapola like "So You Think You Can Dance" or "Freddie," you are sadly mistaken. The big 4 networks might just as well shut down for the summer and run juiceman infomercials. That would be more entertaining than excrement like "Big Brother All-Stars." They aren't even trying anymore...

If you have ever watched the ESPY's, you should be ashamed of yourself. Ashamed. You're only encouraging the Worldwide Leader.

7 more years of FOX broadcasting MLB? No no no no no no! Say it isn't so, Joe...Buck. That's not good, not good at all. No sir. This also means...7 MORE YEARS OF GOD DAMN TIM MCCARVER! Christ almighty, that blows hard. I'm off to find icepicks to plunge into my ears and eyes.

Shanny's gone. Stevie's retired. Manny's off wandering the earth and there's still no #1 goalie under contract. Let alone the lack of a physical presence on the roster. But the Wings have resigned Dan Cleary and Brett Lebda, so all is well, right? Right? I didn't think so either...

I think we can all agree that no news is good news on the Psycho Eddie front. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the idea of Belfour wearing the Winged Wheel. It makes no sense. Why is it the only people who think this is a good idea are the Red Wings? It's as if Matt Millen is making the personnel decisions.

Come on Double D, I'm still waiting on that big left handed bat. The first domino fell today with Aubrey Huff going to the Astros. Not that he's someone I thought you should target, but he was definitely a fallback option. I sure as Hell hope you are working on something more substantial, say a deal for Abreu or Soriano. You have to think the BoSox and Yankees are targeting the same names. I would be awfully disappointed if the lefty bat ends up being a 2nd or 3rd tier guy like Matt Stairs or Daryle Ward.

The worst thing of all about sports dead days? Talk radio trying to fill time. If I hear another dumb ass caller bring up a Tigers scrap heap player(s) for Bobby Abreu trade, someone's gonna get hurt. It's getting as bad as the running joke that was the "Pistons should trade Lindsey Hunter and Terry Mills for a (superstar to be named)" deals delusional fans would come up with a decade ago. I swear radio producers only let the brain dead on the air. Right, "Caputo?"

Why is Mateen Cleaves playing for the Pistons summer league team? There has to be plenty of other options available if a body is needed to fill out the roster. The Pistons have to know that he's an player that would be inactive 99% of the time, and get nothing but "DNP-coaches decision" stat lines if he were activated, correct? God forbid if the Pistons are contemplating Cleaves as part of the bench depth solution. Why not bring back John Long? At least he could play. Hell, they might as well see what Antoine Joubert is up to. If the Pistons are that hard up for a Sparty point guard, I'm sure Marcus Taylor has some free time on his hands.

God help me, I need a Tiger game on the air. After 3 days of Tim McCarver, Chris Berman, Joe Buck, Joe Morgan, and the "Baseball Tonight" crew, Rod Allen is an island of wisdom and sanity in comparison, Mario.

"Caputo" responds...

I just had to move to the front page these comments regarding my post about the limitless stupidity of Wobb Parker. A commenter named "Caputo" feels he was wronged by my Wobb Parker smokes crack with ink stained wretches snark, and felt the need to respond. I suggest reading these with a smug sense of self-righteousness, and Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" playing in the background...

"Caputo" said...

Hey, you don't start off lumping me in with Rob Parker, okay?

I've covered baseball in this town for 73 years, except for the years I was a beat writer for the Lions, okay?

There is nothing Rob Parker about me! Nothing!

Anybody with a decent pair of bifocals could see that the American League is better than the National League. Interleague play, All-Star Games, and World Series all back that up, okay?

And I look like Vince Vaughn!

Okay?

"Caputo" said...

Man, you just really hurt my feelings. And I'm a sensitive guy, okay?

Hey, you don't come in here and start talking about me smoking crack, okay? ,

Crack is cheap, okay? I make too much money from my blog at the Oakland Press and "The Book on Sports" (heard some nights on 'XYT the Sports Station) to ever smoke crack, my friend.

Did I mention I look like Howie Long?

Absolutely hysterical... Well played, "Caputo."

You're out of here, leather

The Home Run Derby has reached the status of the NBA's Slam dunk contest. It was once entertaining, and even had a purpose, but now? Meh. Just like the dunk contest, the biggest stars decline to participate, it takes too damn long, and the whole show gets redundant quickly.

Even though the usefulness of the derby has run its course, the derby could still be, at the very least, tolerable. Save for one thing. "Mr. Back, Back, Back, Back" the unfortunately ubiquitous Chris Berman.

I hate to admit it, but I once found his schtick entertaining. Back when I was young and dumb, and Berman still had hair, instead of a rug. Now, rather than hear him scream lamely (That's with the kayaks! Put your hands up Kruk, it's coming your way!) I'd rather hear dead air, or even Joe Morgan. For long stretches. Both are useless, but still less grating than Chris "I'll call myself the Schwam, pick San Francisco and Buffalo in the Super Bowl for a decade straight, while making references to a 30 year old Eagles album" Berman.

Berman doesn't realize, or more likely ignores, the fact that less is more. The back, back back dude is of the school where more is never enough. He bellows, screams, jokes, whoops, and blusters his way through a broadcast. Thing is, does "Mr. You're With Me, Leather" ever say anything worthwhile? Not that I have heard. And no, "Whooop!' is not worthwhile.

3+ hours of Berman's screeching is a match for no man. At least with the NFL Draft, he tones it down a notch, and his bellowing is only in small doses. Plus he's so big in the world of the Worlwide Leader, he can ditch the 2nd day of the draft. That a plus for us... But baseball, where the pitcures should tell the story, "Mr. Rumblin', Bumblin', Stumblin" feels the need to never stop with the God damn yammering. I feel like I'm being clubbed over the head with a barrage of nonsense.

His play by play is lacking, and even a non event as the Home Run Derby can't hide the fact that he's no Vin Scully. Or Vin Diesel. "Mr. Lame Ass Nickname's" best play by play call? When he didn't say a word for 20 minutes as Cal Ripken set his overrated record. It's the only time he ever went against his natually overwrought state.

Silence is always golden when it comes to Chris Berman. Unfortunately, Berman, or the powers that be at the Worldwide Leader, never realized it.

Wobb Parker, sooper dooper geenus!

Unfortunately, my taking a few days away from TWFE caused me to miss commenting on the latest Wobb Parker magnum opus right away. Ian and Brian both touched on the vapid, inarticulate, poorly researched, and inspid column that ran in the Monday's Detroit News. But I can't keep myself from talking about the train wreck that was Wobb Parker's column. I don't know where to start...

From what I gained from the article, because the double switch gives Parker a chubby, the National League is better. It's nothing but pure baseball snobbery.

He claims the AL is a beer league when compared to the oh-so-sophisticated NL. Supposedly, the AL is nothing but softball style scoring. I guess he hasn't noticed the team ERA of the Detroit Tigers. Or the fact that 3 of the top 5 staffs in team ERA are from the AL. The NL has "Bigger" stars? In age, weight, and head size, maybe. But if "Bigger" you mean "More talented," well, you could easily win the arguement that the best young talent and better all around teams currently reside in the AL. The NL has "Better" cities? That's an extremely subjective opinion, to say the very least, and NOT a reason to call a league better. That's just dumb.

In Pakerland, we should just throw out the All-Star game, World Series, and interleague results, and say that the NL is better because Wobb enjoys watching pitchers flail about at the plate? Because once in a blue moon, Tony LaRussa has a pitcher shift to the outfield for a batter? That the 9 hole is an automatic out, but it creates limited "Stratergery," so the NL is the baseball be all, end all? That Jim Thome, Travis Hafner, and David Ortiz would be better served as NL pinch hitters, as the DH removes "Stratergery" from the game? That might make sense in the loony bin that is Parkerland, but in the world we reside in? Not so much.

Then again, this tripe is coming from "Joe Dumars' lapdog" a "Columnist" (Term used loosely) that said Jeff Weaver was "Clearly a better pitcher" than Jeremy Bonderman and claimed that Dave Dombrowski is the worst GM in the city.

Then he says this...

There was a time, however, when the NL won (the All-Star game) every year. These things go in cycles.

And the general consensus back in the 60's and 70's when the NL dominated was that the NL was a more talented league! The cycle has come back around to AL dominance, and the general consensus is that the AL is more talented. Is that so hard to comprehend? In Parker's case, yes it is.

The other reasons used in in the "NL is better" arguement? Barry Bonds and Albert Pujols. Pujols is a great player, that's a given. But one player does not a league make. And to bring up Barry Bonds? You've got to be kidding. He of the creaky knees, .249 BA, 12 HR's, and grand jury appearances? He forgets the fact that Bonds would most likely be a more productive player in the AL due to the DH.

Whatever. I wouldn't have made such a stink if Parker had said he "Prefers" or "Enjoys" the NL style of play. That's his perogative. But to say it's better? Pure unadulterated lunacy.

Parker must be smoking crack with Pat Caputo and the other clueless ink stained wretches...

TWFE is taking an extra day of R&R

I'll be back with my normal amount of rightous indignation tomorrow, as life just got in the way today.

I will give you all a preview...

Shanny leaving? I understand it, but I don't have to like it.
Wobb Parker's Monday column raised the bar to an absurdly high level when it comes to columnist stupidity.
The Home Run Derby? Underwhelming.

And to answer Ian's question, yes, they did have a Cabo Wabo tequila concession at the Hagar concert. The margarita's were tasty. Damn tasty...

It's a linkage Friday, cause I got nuttin'

Despite AJ Pierzynski Cheaterynski winning the AL vote thanks to the clueless ChiSox fanbase, and becoming an undeserving All-Star, I'm having trouble getting whipped up into my normal froth of rightous indignation. So I figured it would be a good day to link to some of the blogs I check out daily.

IwoCPO at Abel to Yzerman says what we are all thinking, and gives Wings GM Ken Holland the red ass in regard to the courting of Psycho Eddie Belfour...

If you’re going to sign him, do so under the condition that all medications Belfour is taking to modify any instability be taken away for one year. If we’re going to get “the Eagle” we want the real thing….crazy, consistently on the verge of losing it completely.

Ian, who has been busy as of late due to being a working writer, than the wannabes that are the majority of we bloggers, chimes in over at Sweaty Men with the "Why persue Psycho Eddie when there is another veteran goalie already under contract" arguement.

Here's my question: Isn't Chris Osgood already on the roster? Can he really do a worse job, at this point? And if he hadn't gotten hurt, wouldn't he have taken over for the mentally shot Manny Legace during the playoffs? Bringing in guys almost solely based on their past name value doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

Over at KA.com, it's a girl! And she's damn bored, from looking at the ultrasound. Congrats to Kevin and Beck on their currently percolating Mia Hamm to be. Don't forget to check out Kevin's new message board, "The Hangout," where you can find deep, in depth discussions on the hackery of Dat Phan, icky things you don't want to eat, all geeky things Superman, and even...sports?

There's a new blogger on the Detroit scene. Unfortunately, he looks to be a crack smoker. Welcome the Oakland Press' Pat Caputo to the blogosphere...

A prediction: If running back Kevin Jones and wide receiver Roy Williams both play all 16 games for the Lions this season, they will make the playoffs.

I'll give credit where credit is due. Even if Caputo is smoking crack, he thinks Ken Holland is as well...

Chris Osgood and Belfour would be perfect for the Red Wings - if this was 1996.

I'm sensing a trend when it comes to the Wings...

Out of Bounds chimes in on the Red Wing goalie gong show. Eno wonders about the wisdom of having 2 goalies that are a combined 75 years of age, and ponders the availability of OTC groin meds...

But you might want to invest in Doan's Pills, and whatever OTC groin medication is out there nowadays. Belfour is coming off major back surgery, and a lousy season. Osgood is still recovering from a groin injury, and a so-so season. Two significant injuries, two seasons not worth a hill of beans. Yet this might be the duo that GM Kenny Holland commits himself to for next season.

Christy at Behind the Jersey also wonders about the incomprhensable fascination the Wings have with Psycho Eddie, but also questions Ken Holland in regard to the Wings persuit of Brendan Shanahan, especially considering the size of the contract being bandied about. She's about out of patience in regard to the cluster that has become the Wings off season...

That Helene St. James article says that both of our offers (1 year and 2 years) were for about $4 million each year. Please let this not be true. 2 years, $4 million apiece for Shanny? Come on...I'm trying to be patient Holland, I really am. But I'm struggling, I really am.

In a change of pace, Matt at Detroit Bad Boys takes Terry Foster's rumor mongering about a Pistons sign and trade for Al Harrington to task...

The chatter amongst whom? Talk radio hosts? Beat reporters? Locker room attendants? Limousine chauffeurs? Take all uncredited rumors with a grain of salt. I have no clue what it would take to get Harrington, but I have a feeling Dale Davis plus one of Detroit's first-round picks from next year isn't enough. I'm not saying this deal won't happen, but if it does it'll likely require a noticable roster shakeup.

Beefshower has run the gamut of emotions when it comes to the Ben Wallace signing under The Mickey Tettleton Memorial Overpass. He beleives the Bulls will regret the signing in a couple of years, as he forsees a downward spiral in Wallace's performance.

What do I expect from Big Ben? Next year I think a motivated Ben will have a classic Ben season 8 points per game, 13 boards, 2.5 blocks, solid interior defense, and a potential 5th Defensive Player of the Year award 48 wins and a second round playoff exit, followed by a solid second season where his numbers begin to slip, followed by a precipitous decline in year three where he scores 3 points per game, to finally a trade to the Warriors to clear cap space playing 15 minutes a night backing up Ike Diogu and Andris Bierdins.

As per usual, Nat of Need4Sheed is all over the Ben Wallace situation with copious amounts of video and photoshops...

I've been getting my Detroit Tigers fix at both The Daily Fungo and Mack Avenue Tigers. Both have been doing a great job of gathering interesting links and espousing opinions.

Finally, kudos to the Leelanau Sports Guy on his being named the "Michigan Blog of the Week" by A2Y. Well done, Sports Pig...

As for me? I'll be drinking cold beverages at the Sammy Hagar show at the DTE Music Theatre Pine Knob tomorrow night. So if any posting happens over the weekend, it will be sporatic at best, and possbily done under the influence. You have been warned...

Plan 9 from Auburn Hills

So Nazr Mohammed was Joe Dumars' "Plan 9," after Plans 1 thru 8 flamed out. Good Lord, what would have happened if Nazr had turned down the Pistons? Would have they placed a call to Chuck Nevitt? Shawn Bradley? Eric Montross? William Bedford? Chris Wahsburn? Actually, I think they were Plans 3 thru 7.

As you can tell, I'm not all than enthused by the recent turn of events. When Joel Pryzbilla believes he has a better situation in Portland than Detroit, it makes you wonder. As for Mohammed, be honest with yourself. When you saw him play with the Spurs, you didn't give him a second thought. Just another big stiff. Sure, he's cheaper and younger than Ben Wallace, but he's half the player as well.

There's an old saying, "You never want to be the guy that replaces "The Guy." You'd rather be the be the guy that replaces the guy that replaced "The Guy." Obviously Nazr Mohammed isn't familar with that old platitude. Good luck Nazr, as you are going to need it the first time Pistons fans see you blow a defensive assignment.

What bothers me about the whole Wallace situation is not the fact that he left. Chicago gave Big Ben a contract that may be a cap killer in 2 years. Detroit gave Wallace a fair offer, but Chicago gave him a far too generous offer, in effect paying Wallace for his best years in Detroit. So be it.

What does bother me is that there didn't seem to be any contingency plan. The Pistons are capped out and unable to pick up an impact free agent, have no real trade bait other than Dale Davis' expiring contract and 2 1st round picks I'd hope they don't touch, no high draft picks on the roster ready to step in (I'm not counting Maxiell, as I don't consider the 26th overall a high pick), and a bench thinner than the gold plating on a knockoff Rolex.

So that leaves us with "Plan 9," which is 5 years of Nazr Mohammed's 5 pt/5 rb/1 bk stat lines, and 2 more years of Lindsey Hunter's rim clanging. The only money the Pistons have left is the LLE, and all that will get you is a used ball rack in the current market.

The Pistons need everything to go their way to soften the loss of Wallace, along with their inability to bolster the bench. Dale Davis and Lindsey Hunter have to turn back the clock. Carlos Delfino has to be a poor man's Manu Ginobli. Jason Maxiell has to be a poor man's Ben Wallace. Nazr Mohammed has to be more than just poor.

What's left is still a playoff team. But thinking the Pistons are of championship caliber is being delusional. Nazr Mohammed is not the answer to the playoff question. If he was, why didn't the Spurs play him during their 2006 playoff run? The Spurs are just as competent an organiztion as the Pistons. What did they see in Nazr that soured them to the point of letting him walk, and why don't the Pistons see it?

I've continually shown my faith in the Pistons by saying, "In Joe I Trust." But that faith has been shaken. I'd really like to know what the long term plans are for the Pistons roster. I don't want to be having this same discussion when Chauncey Billups becomes a free agent after next season. After the Wallace debacle, I don't want to be talking about "Plan 10" if Billups bolts...